I'm BACK! Again lol

I was deleting old old OLD emails in my inbox and stumbled upon one that had the link for this blog.  I completely forgot about it.  So many things have occurred in the past 2 years.... I guess I was so busy with work, bf, dog, drag and just life that I forgot that I could take some time to blog.   So here are some updates

1. I was employed for 2 years but recently laid off
2. Number 1 above has lead me to think about what I really want to do with life so I have decided to go back to school and get a degree in Nursing.  I know it will be so hard but I'm excited to get back in school.  I love the structure of a class room and studying.  I really enjoy that and this is a perfect field to go into for the continuing need of learning.
3.  The drag thing was fun and it still is but I don't dedicate much time to it.  I guess it's because I know I don't to make a career of it but it still a lot of fun.  I learned how to sew and make costumes and along the way I learned how to do my face..... I must say I make a pretty hot girl lol
4.  It's hard to go back to work.  Change never comes without fear and being uncomfortable but well it needs to happen.  I need to go back to work and get adjusted to a new office and new people.
5.  I can say that I'm very very bitter about being laid off.  I'm actually quite pissed off but I guess this is what prompted me to write some updates.
6.  Ohhhh yes!! My HEALTH!!! What the hell was I thinking!? Why did I not start with that update.  Well let's see I'm now taking 6 pills which sucks so bad I hate it at times but I guess it's no big deal.  Hopefully next year there will be a new pill which would replace 2 of what I'm taking and would bring me back to possibly 4 pills?  I know my math you are probably thinking it should be 5 pills but not if this new pill replaces 1 med and then 2nd which comes in 2 pills so it would really replace 3 pills I think.... who knows!!!   I'm also supposed to be injecting myself daily with a growth hormone to stimulate appetite but geez I hate it and I'm not always the best following that regimen.

I'm Back and Better Than Ever!!!!!

Like the picture says.... I'm back!!!!  I will try my best to stick around and continue to blog.    There have been several several SEVERAL new things since I lost blogged.  So my Viral Load as dropped from the original 30 K down to 965 down to 227.  A low viral load is usually between 40 to 500 copies/mL, depending on the type of test used. This result indicates that HIV is not actively reproducing and that the risk of disease progression is low.   So all in all that's really good.  I go for another blood draw this Thursday 08.12.10.  My CD4 count has gone from 172 to 193 to 248... that's been a slow and steady increase and I wish CD4 numbers were looking better but going by the % it's great since I started at 12% moved up to 17% I believe and now up to 19%.  NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS!!!I have also started a job!  So close to the beach where I will not disclose the location :) but in beautiful Southern California! It's so nice to finally feel some stability in life and seeing how things and life are moving in the right direction.  The biggest update of all would have to be the Drag thing!!!  I have been experimenting with Drag and have become quite good at it.  Next thing!!! Shows!!!!  Exposure!  (not that kind, no pun intended) :) I have a show in one week and am looking fwd to it!  Which you can expect a big update on that!!   Overall, I feel great.  I have stopped taking antidepressants and don't feel so Chaka Khunt like!  I have my moments but nothing too extreme.  I also plan on becoming a nun.  I know, it's weird but all will be revealed and blogged about in due time!  This is just an update to the cyber world to claim my cyber space and say I havent gone anywhere!!!  I'M STILL HERE!!!!!!

Still Here?

I am back... I have obviously been away for about 2 months.  Away from the blog but still dealing with life :)

So here are the updates... I had just started my HIV medications when I blogged my last entry.  It had been a week I believe.  The medications seem to be working.  My initial T-Cell count was 172, with meds, after 4 weeks it went up to 193.  I was a bit disappointed.  I thought it would have been higher.

I ended up canceling a dentist appt due to the T-Cell count being below 200.... My initial Viral Load was 30K.  Relatively low.  Low Viral Load = Good  Low T-Cell = Not So Good.

Anything below 350 is considered not good and anything below 200, well that's plain no good.  I get my Viral Load count in a couple of days.  It will be interesting to see the results and hopefully I can schedule some blood work.  8 vials of blood!  I better get used to it :)  The blood drawing wont change!  I am better about the meds.  In terms of how I feel taking them, the results.  It still sucks to know I will take these for life.  What I really dislike is when I'm in the middle of something.  Phone, Chatting, Watching a Movie, At the Movies... you get the point and 9 pm comes!  Even if it takes less than a minute to pop the pills in, the fact that I have to STOP what I'm in the middle of is getting annoying but I am grateful that I have access to the meds.

Hopefully I don't stay away from the blogspot long and am able to keep typing away :)  It's late and I needs me some sleep!!!


Good Night Y'all!!!



ZzzzZZzzZZZzzzZz

Candy Kills?

Positive Thoughts! Positive Thoughts! Positive Thoughts!  Smiles, Hugs, Cotton Candy, Candied Apples, Candy Canes, Peeps, Rainbows and Unicorns and Care Bears!!!  AND Rainbow Bright and My Little Ponies!!!

No Wait... Is that right?  I think that's way too happy and I'm exaggerating this whole positive outlook :)

You know, I was not too happy when I woke up this morning with the previous blog entry.  Very pessimistic.  Ra Ra Ahhahh Roma Roma Maamma Ga Ga Ohh La La Want Ur Bad Romance...Ra Ra Ahhahh Roma Roma Maamma Ga Ga Ohh La La Want Ur Bad Romance...  I'm listening to Lady Gaga at the moment... Wait, I got it!  I have 2 Feel Good Songs....... Miley Cyrus Party In The U.S.A!!  and Black Eyed Peas I Gotta A Feeling!!!  I've put GaGa Away

So I put my hands up, they are playing my song the butterflies fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah..... You know I'm gonna be ok, yeah yeah yeah..... 

I'm sitting here at the GLBT Center drinking a Venti Chai Cream Frappuccino and life is good today!  Amazing what a song can do!  Anyways,  Candy Kills Healthy Brain Cells!!!!!   :)

Shame?

So it's been a few days since I've visited my own space to free some words and thoughts.  I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off, not feeling like it or just gotten distracted.  What's new?  Well since I've told my mother, what's new is that I've started my trip with medications.  So I was given the most common cocktail.  Norvir, Reyataz and Truvada.  I started taking them on 2.16.10

The picture that goes along with this entry.  There is a certain feeling of Shame that I have been experiencing that goes along with taking the medication.  Best way to explain it.  Ever seen Marley and Me???  Great movie!!!  Remember when Marley knows he is about to die and he goes out on his own, away from his family to die alone?  I feel like I do not want anyone to see me taking the meds.

Now, by no means do I think I'm dying of HIV/AIDS.  Glass Half Full or Half Empty?  Half Empty, we are all closer to death each day we wake up.  Pessimistic?  No :)  I still do my best to enjoy life and nowadays more than prior to 12.29.09...  Aggghhh, I feel like I want to delete this paragraph.  It is somewhat of a shitty way to look at life!!!  Each day you wake up, you are closer to death?  I need to change this pattern of thought into Each Day I Wake Up Is a Blessing that I've Been Granted....  I like that better....

Here are some of the words inside my head when it comes to taking the medication.

1. Look at you now.
2. Look at what you have done to yourself.
3. How did you allow yourself to end up here.
4. This is it, you can't stop taking them ever.
5. This is real.

So there is definitely some adjustment that needs to be done in my thoughts.  I didn't think I would have had any troubling thoughts about medication since I've been on antidepressants for 2 years.  The difference is that I know that the possibility that one day I may not need the antidepressants.  The Antiretrovirals?  No such possibility.  Only if they find a cure I guess.... So I've taken the time to make the entry that I've been avoiding..... Good Night

Breaking My Silence

I've been away from releasing my thoughts unto the cyberworld for a few days.  I have not been feeling well.  I came down with a sore throat about three days ago.  What I would normally overlook in the past as not a big thing and wait it out, I was forced to see the Dr. and make sure that it was nothing serious.  I had two Dr.'s look at me and stick their finger down my throat to feel the swollen area!  One would usually feel the need to take pride in having little next to no gag reflex.  I sat there not knowing if I should pretend to gag so they would not be thinking of why I had no gag reflex!!! 

Memory Trail Off : Just typing about pretending above reminds me of when I visited a Pentecostal Church.  You know how the preacher will place their hands on your forehead and they invite the Holy Spirit to come in.  Well, during times of worship and praise with music, I used to practice buckling my knees, in the given case that when I did go up front nothing happened when the preacher placed their hand on my forehead.  If nothing happened, I knew that I had to pretend and fall back!  Luckily, I was blessed with an experience like no other.  I was overcome with this rush of emotions and joy and sadness and love and humility! 

Back To My Current Entry: So the back of my throat is actually very swollen.  I thought it had gone down because it's not as irritated as yesterday but it's actually not any less swollen than yesterday.  I'll wait to get an email from the Dr. and see if it's Strep Throat, so far the antibiotic is helping.  I feel like I am learning so much in this new journey that I chose not to go into but have no choice now.  Doxycycline..... It's almost as fun as saying SUPERCALIFRALISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS  NO!!! I did not Google that to type it in, I take great pride in being able to know the exact spelling of it!!!

UNTO THE TITLE OF THE ENTRY:  Breaking My Silence.  So after much thought and difficulty arriving to a decision, I decided that it was time to confide in my mother whom I happen to be very close to.  Let me just say a few things about her.  I feel so blessed and incredibly lucky that I was sent to her as a child and she was chosen as my mother before I came to be.  There are plenty of great mothers out there, I just happen to feel that she was perfectly chosen for me and I for her.  She is one of my best friends.  We go out to eat and shop, we have very good laughs and we have shared some really difficult times but the laughs that we have shared overcome any of the difficulties that have been laid in our paths.  I think that gives you a really good picture of the relationship that I have been blessed with with my mother.

I was obviously scared but prepared myself as much as I could before going into the difficult talk.  When I told her, she looked up with tears in her eyes.  Almost as if she was hoping for a higher being out there to comfort her the way she has offered comfort as a mother.  I had to talk to her for a long time so she would feel reassured that I have not been handed a death sentence.  Yes, our conversation from '99 crawled in her thoughts.  Back in '99 I confided in her about my sexual orientation.  Back then she said her biggest fear now that she knew I was gay that I would end up with AIDS.  Flash Forward to 2010 and that thought immediately crawled back into her head and mine!!  We both looked at each other and smiled because it was something that we both thought of.

She knew more about HIV/AIDS than I gave her credit for.  She said that she actually knew it was HIV back in Dec of '08 when I 0-Converted but that she had been in denial and that when I asked her into my room to talk to her, she knew where it was going to.  I cannot express the amount of relief I feel that she now knows.  She reassured me that we will go through this together and she is here to support me every step of the way.  I couldn't have been blessed any more!!!!!!!!

Equal???

Based on the picture posted.... Does it? No, it does not make us equal.As you can probably tell by now, the pictures I choose to go along with my entry are strongly related and go hand in hand. Some may bring an emotional insight or it's just something that I strongly identify to the blog entry even if it's not obvious. So on to the picture. Let me start by saying how much I love that Wonder Woman's image was used for this Ad Campaign! What if Wonder Woman had HIV/AIDS. How many of us would be relieved to have her come to our rescue in our time of need. Would we wait for someone else to come along just because of the label that is now attached to her?

The ugly truth about this campaign, that while we try to take the message across that HIV/AIDS makes us all equal, the reality today is that it only makes you equal when comparing yourself to another POZ person. That's it. No equality in that. Separate but equal is the truth. I do not intend to come across as pessimistic. Yes, AIDS is just a label, but when all of a sudden you find that label attached to you, it is a completely different thing and not longer "just a label". It's the label on that shirt that you love but the tag is so damn uncomfortable!!! Good news about owning a shirt like that is that you can rip the label off. I can't rip mine off. I have to learn to just see it as a label, and while I can't physically rip it off, I can learn how to mentally rip it off.

So I went to the dentist today. I wanted to make sure that my oral health is good! You know, growing up not visiting Dr. office, Dentist office, any medical office for that matter, it had been about 10 years since my last visit. I knew it would not be good but my teeth are well kept, I do not have a jacked up grill!! :) Anyways, in order for me to receive care, my Dr. had to provide the office with a letter of diagnosis. I asked the receptionist for a copy since it was faxed, I did not know what it said, and wanted one for my records in case I needed it down the road. Once I read it, it was the biggest "pull to reality" I have ever gotten.

The letter is as follow. (The names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Ante Bellum has just started his medical care at Owen Clinic, UCSD Medical Center. Mr. Bellum has been diagnosed with Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS). He signed up for Ryan White coverage yesterday. (see attached)

Was there really a need for the acronym?! It couldn't be any clearer!! When I received the T-cell count of 172 with the percentage ratio at %12 I knew it placed me on that diagnosis. It's one thing to know it yourself, and another to see it written down on a piece of paper. So, ok, Dentist.... they can't do any procedures until my T-cell count goes above 200. So I had started on Bactrim but broke out into a rash/hives - shoulders and chest. So that was so much for that.

I've started on Mepron. I call it the Yellow Pepto Bismol! That's exactly what it is like!!! It smells good, but doesn't taste that great. Maybe if I recite the "Vita-Meat-Vega-Min" monologue from I Love Lucy it will actually "Taste Just Like Candy" For anyone reading, know of the costs of HIV meds! Be aware of what a drastic diff it makes when HIV funds get cut!! You may not pay attn to it until it hits home , please allow me to be "home" for you. Keep HIV budget cuts in mind, if you can do something about it and make a difference DO IT!!! The bottle of Mepron, a 30 day supply which I actually need 90 days (most that go on antibiotic for O.I's need a 90 day supply) is $1,551.98.

So this will conclude my entry for tonight. Thanks to the wonderful online world of blogspot for allowing me to have come across this site to vent and share my experience!


Antebellum