Breaking My Silence

I've been away from releasing my thoughts unto the cyberworld for a few days.  I have not been feeling well.  I came down with a sore throat about three days ago.  What I would normally overlook in the past as not a big thing and wait it out, I was forced to see the Dr. and make sure that it was nothing serious.  I had two Dr.'s look at me and stick their finger down my throat to feel the swollen area!  One would usually feel the need to take pride in having little next to no gag reflex.  I sat there not knowing if I should pretend to gag so they would not be thinking of why I had no gag reflex!!! 

Memory Trail Off : Just typing about pretending above reminds me of when I visited a Pentecostal Church.  You know how the preacher will place their hands on your forehead and they invite the Holy Spirit to come in.  Well, during times of worship and praise with music, I used to practice buckling my knees, in the given case that when I did go up front nothing happened when the preacher placed their hand on my forehead.  If nothing happened, I knew that I had to pretend and fall back!  Luckily, I was blessed with an experience like no other.  I was overcome with this rush of emotions and joy and sadness and love and humility! 

Back To My Current Entry: So the back of my throat is actually very swollen.  I thought it had gone down because it's not as irritated as yesterday but it's actually not any less swollen than yesterday.  I'll wait to get an email from the Dr. and see if it's Strep Throat, so far the antibiotic is helping.  I feel like I am learning so much in this new journey that I chose not to go into but have no choice now.  Doxycycline..... It's almost as fun as saying SUPERCALIFRALISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS  NO!!! I did not Google that to type it in, I take great pride in being able to know the exact spelling of it!!!

UNTO THE TITLE OF THE ENTRY:  Breaking My Silence.  So after much thought and difficulty arriving to a decision, I decided that it was time to confide in my mother whom I happen to be very close to.  Let me just say a few things about her.  I feel so blessed and incredibly lucky that I was sent to her as a child and she was chosen as my mother before I came to be.  There are plenty of great mothers out there, I just happen to feel that she was perfectly chosen for me and I for her.  She is one of my best friends.  We go out to eat and shop, we have very good laughs and we have shared some really difficult times but the laughs that we have shared overcome any of the difficulties that have been laid in our paths.  I think that gives you a really good picture of the relationship that I have been blessed with with my mother.

I was obviously scared but prepared myself as much as I could before going into the difficult talk.  When I told her, she looked up with tears in her eyes.  Almost as if she was hoping for a higher being out there to comfort her the way she has offered comfort as a mother.  I had to talk to her for a long time so she would feel reassured that I have not been handed a death sentence.  Yes, our conversation from '99 crawled in her thoughts.  Back in '99 I confided in her about my sexual orientation.  Back then she said her biggest fear now that she knew I was gay that I would end up with AIDS.  Flash Forward to 2010 and that thought immediately crawled back into her head and mine!!  We both looked at each other and smiled because it was something that we both thought of.

She knew more about HIV/AIDS than I gave her credit for.  She said that she actually knew it was HIV back in Dec of '08 when I 0-Converted but that she had been in denial and that when I asked her into my room to talk to her, she knew where it was going to.  I cannot express the amount of relief I feel that she now knows.  She reassured me that we will go through this together and she is here to support me every step of the way.  I couldn't have been blessed any more!!!!!!!!