Support Group

So part of trying to educate myself with HIV and Medical Care has gotten me involved in a Support/Education Group for newly diagnosed people. Yesterday was the 2nd meeting. NOT GREAT! I am unsure if there is much I can gain from attending these meetings.

A "guest" speaker explained how the virus enters the body, how it replicates, how it works, how it dies, and you throw in a few PI's and NRTI's and NNRTI's here and there and talk about certain medications and blah blah blah....

I wanted to run out of there. One hour should not feel longer than an hour!! I wish all this information would have been explained in lay terms. I honestly walked out of there with nothing. That's the first encounter with some information being presented by someone that has been in the FACE of HIV for so long that they forgotten what it feels like when newly poz.

There are also introductions before the meeting gets started. Let me just say how surreal and how odd it feels to say "Hi, I'm positive as of December of 09." It just feels very odd. I am sure that I will get to the point where I'll be able to say it and not think much of it. Will I? Who knows! I was somewhat close to telling my mother about it. Let me tell you how quickly I backed out of that one. Today, right now, as I'm blogging, you ask me when I will tell her and my answer is never. After I'm done blogging you may ask me again and the answer may be different!!! It's constantly changing. I do feel guilty about not saying anything but I guess it's not as if I'm lying....

The other thing I'm learning is the whole Negative Vs. Clean.... People that are negative refer to themselves as clean instead of negative... I was guilty of that as well. Then you see these hook up profiles and guys stating they are DDF (Drug Disease Free) I wonder how many are positive and just don't know it. Thanks to Chguy78 for clarification on a Statistic I myself stated incorrectly.  40% of people that are actually HIV positive don't know it. 1 out of 4 people are poz but they never know because of not getting tested. Ummmm, I dont know if that's correct! That seems like an awful lot. I'll come back and vent some more later on.... It was a sleepless nite again. Wide awake by 2 am. Off and on from 3 to 6.30! I want to nap! :( I have a counseling appt at noon, that should go good I predict.


~ Ante

Drive Home

So I decided to take a picture on my drive home. I know, cell phones, texting, photos.... All while driving not good! But for the sake of giving this blog a bit of an inside look I thought I would snap a quick picture! I was exhausted when I got home! took a nap for approximately 4.5 hours. I think that does not classify as a nap.

Short entry, just wanted to post this pic with the awesome clear blue sky!!! Tired, calling it quits for the night, after I get some food!!! Late but I'm starving!!!!


~Ante

Direction

So I don't know where to take this blog. What direction to take with it. At the moment, I'm relaxing for a bit, watching Tabatha's Salon Take Over. Just finished having a toast with butter. I LOVE BUTTER!!!!!!!!!

So I know what direction I do not want this blog to go in. I don't want to keep blogging about HIV but it is on my mind. I will be honest though. I know that it's my "pain body" that wants to continue talking about it. (Google pain body/Eckhart Tolle, if you are reading this and are not sure what I'm referring to) So back to the being honest part. I completely want sympathy, I want a big bowl of Pitty Soup. With a glass of Pitty Water and an extra side of Pitty. Pitty, pitty pitty! However; as soon as someone does feel bad I immediately say, "ohh it's ok, it's not a big deal" Who am I kidding? It is a big deal. At least it is to me.

You know how you encounter people that complain about things so trivial, and you wonder what is up with that? I think we naturally measure other people's problems based on how we would define the same problem in our lives. Truth is, however small of a problem one may be facing, in their universe, it could be a catastrophe, and it is! Regardless of what the problem may be, if it feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders, then it is.

On diff note... I have found a new artist that I am completely in love with! I was watching the PBS Sunday Morning Show and they had a feature on Melody Gardot. What a voice!!! I have this zit on my forhead, right below my temple/hairline. OMG it hurts! I want it gone!!! I'll sign out for the time being, get ready for my drive back El Centro! I miss it!!!!!!

~Ante

Hello.....

01.24.09 .... It's a good day today, the sun is out after a couple of days of rain. The gloomy weather is nice but I was ready for some sun!!! Sitting here having a Mexican Mocha!!! Had myself a pretzel-like pastry with powder sugar and almonds, it was good, though I should have gone for the toasted bagel with cream cheese.

In addition to starting this blog I have jumped on the Farmville Wagon on Facebook!!! Yes yes yes, maybe a bit too late, I don't like to be part of the "culture" when brand new. So I ensure that I like it because I like it and not because everyone else does. SO I LOVE Farmville. For the time being. I am sure it will get old and wont bother too much with it, but now, I'm constantly Plowing and Fertilizing! My crops!! Literally begging FB friends to gift me animals but all they keep giving me are Cows and Chickens! I want some Sheep and Pigs!!!!! Alright, so not much of a personal blog this time but I have a feeling that if I don't blog at least every other day for now, this whole blog activity will disappear into the back of my mind and die out!!!!

Signing Out

Ante

Devirgnizing my inner blogger!!!!

Well, here I am on 01.22.10 taking on this blogging experience. For the record, I would like to state that this blog is for my own sake. If people read it and take something from it, great! If no one reads it, great! It's a way for me to sort out the clouds in my head, and the thoughts that need to be either written through ink or through key strokes on my lap top.

The reason for my starting this blog arises from December 29th ,2009. It changed things in drastic ways, though I've managed to try and keep a positive out look on it. 12.29.09 is the day I found out I'm HIV Positive...... sigh.... I've said it. Though I've said it a few times here and there, well let me rephrase that, more so than said it, I've typed it, so typing it here is no different, yet it takes on a stronger sense of reality.

It's definitely a process dealing with this. Along the way I've found out there is no right or wrong way to deal with the news. While some people may feel devastated and dwell in the bad news, I chose to not be swallowed by these news. Sad? Yes. It was definitely sad, no matter how prepared I thought I was for the results, I still felt like part of me had died when I saw the look on the person giving me the results. As much as they deal with giving out these news to people that test positive, it was a bit surprising how she wasn't already desensitized to having to tell someone their test came back positive. To be honest, that did not help me.

I did cry in devastation, and I would laugh hysterically at the irony that was now very clear. But since the day I was given those news, I have not been able to cry. I have began to start feeling angry, at myself and perhaps other positive people that are able to cry and grieve. I want that, I want to mourn the passing of the Negative self and start taking care of this new Positive Self.

Through out my blogging I will be typing not just about HIV but about other things. I dont want HIV to define who I am, though at the moment, HIV is all I can think about. I have a problem with it being labeled as POZ... Why can't it be POS. Everything has to be labeled, as soon as a label is attached to something or someone, we think we automatically know everything there is to know about such subject.

Anyways, for now this is my introduction to the world of blogging, with this, I sign out.

Ante