Candy Kills?

Positive Thoughts! Positive Thoughts! Positive Thoughts!  Smiles, Hugs, Cotton Candy, Candied Apples, Candy Canes, Peeps, Rainbows and Unicorns and Care Bears!!!  AND Rainbow Bright and My Little Ponies!!!

No Wait... Is that right?  I think that's way too happy and I'm exaggerating this whole positive outlook :)

You know, I was not too happy when I woke up this morning with the previous blog entry.  Very pessimistic.  Ra Ra Ahhahh Roma Roma Maamma Ga Ga Ohh La La Want Ur Bad Romance...Ra Ra Ahhahh Roma Roma Maamma Ga Ga Ohh La La Want Ur Bad Romance...  I'm listening to Lady Gaga at the moment... Wait, I got it!  I have 2 Feel Good Songs....... Miley Cyrus Party In The U.S.A!!  and Black Eyed Peas I Gotta A Feeling!!!  I've put GaGa Away

So I put my hands up, they are playing my song the butterflies fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah..... You know I'm gonna be ok, yeah yeah yeah..... 

I'm sitting here at the GLBT Center drinking a Venti Chai Cream Frappuccino and life is good today!  Amazing what a song can do!  Anyways,  Candy Kills Healthy Brain Cells!!!!!   :)

Shame?

So it's been a few days since I've visited my own space to free some words and thoughts.  I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off, not feeling like it or just gotten distracted.  What's new?  Well since I've told my mother, what's new is that I've started my trip with medications.  So I was given the most common cocktail.  Norvir, Reyataz and Truvada.  I started taking them on 2.16.10

The picture that goes along with this entry.  There is a certain feeling of Shame that I have been experiencing that goes along with taking the medication.  Best way to explain it.  Ever seen Marley and Me???  Great movie!!!  Remember when Marley knows he is about to die and he goes out on his own, away from his family to die alone?  I feel like I do not want anyone to see me taking the meds.

Now, by no means do I think I'm dying of HIV/AIDS.  Glass Half Full or Half Empty?  Half Empty, we are all closer to death each day we wake up.  Pessimistic?  No :)  I still do my best to enjoy life and nowadays more than prior to 12.29.09...  Aggghhh, I feel like I want to delete this paragraph.  It is somewhat of a shitty way to look at life!!!  Each day you wake up, you are closer to death?  I need to change this pattern of thought into Each Day I Wake Up Is a Blessing that I've Been Granted....  I like that better....

Here are some of the words inside my head when it comes to taking the medication.

1. Look at you now.
2. Look at what you have done to yourself.
3. How did you allow yourself to end up here.
4. This is it, you can't stop taking them ever.
5. This is real.

So there is definitely some adjustment that needs to be done in my thoughts.  I didn't think I would have had any troubling thoughts about medication since I've been on antidepressants for 2 years.  The difference is that I know that the possibility that one day I may not need the antidepressants.  The Antiretrovirals?  No such possibility.  Only if they find a cure I guess.... So I've taken the time to make the entry that I've been avoiding..... Good Night

Breaking My Silence

I've been away from releasing my thoughts unto the cyberworld for a few days.  I have not been feeling well.  I came down with a sore throat about three days ago.  What I would normally overlook in the past as not a big thing and wait it out, I was forced to see the Dr. and make sure that it was nothing serious.  I had two Dr.'s look at me and stick their finger down my throat to feel the swollen area!  One would usually feel the need to take pride in having little next to no gag reflex.  I sat there not knowing if I should pretend to gag so they would not be thinking of why I had no gag reflex!!! 

Memory Trail Off : Just typing about pretending above reminds me of when I visited a Pentecostal Church.  You know how the preacher will place their hands on your forehead and they invite the Holy Spirit to come in.  Well, during times of worship and praise with music, I used to practice buckling my knees, in the given case that when I did go up front nothing happened when the preacher placed their hand on my forehead.  If nothing happened, I knew that I had to pretend and fall back!  Luckily, I was blessed with an experience like no other.  I was overcome with this rush of emotions and joy and sadness and love and humility! 

Back To My Current Entry: So the back of my throat is actually very swollen.  I thought it had gone down because it's not as irritated as yesterday but it's actually not any less swollen than yesterday.  I'll wait to get an email from the Dr. and see if it's Strep Throat, so far the antibiotic is helping.  I feel like I am learning so much in this new journey that I chose not to go into but have no choice now.  Doxycycline..... It's almost as fun as saying SUPERCALIFRALISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS  NO!!! I did not Google that to type it in, I take great pride in being able to know the exact spelling of it!!!

UNTO THE TITLE OF THE ENTRY:  Breaking My Silence.  So after much thought and difficulty arriving to a decision, I decided that it was time to confide in my mother whom I happen to be very close to.  Let me just say a few things about her.  I feel so blessed and incredibly lucky that I was sent to her as a child and she was chosen as my mother before I came to be.  There are plenty of great mothers out there, I just happen to feel that she was perfectly chosen for me and I for her.  She is one of my best friends.  We go out to eat and shop, we have very good laughs and we have shared some really difficult times but the laughs that we have shared overcome any of the difficulties that have been laid in our paths.  I think that gives you a really good picture of the relationship that I have been blessed with with my mother.

I was obviously scared but prepared myself as much as I could before going into the difficult talk.  When I told her, she looked up with tears in her eyes.  Almost as if she was hoping for a higher being out there to comfort her the way she has offered comfort as a mother.  I had to talk to her for a long time so she would feel reassured that I have not been handed a death sentence.  Yes, our conversation from '99 crawled in her thoughts.  Back in '99 I confided in her about my sexual orientation.  Back then she said her biggest fear now that she knew I was gay that I would end up with AIDS.  Flash Forward to 2010 and that thought immediately crawled back into her head and mine!!  We both looked at each other and smiled because it was something that we both thought of.

She knew more about HIV/AIDS than I gave her credit for.  She said that she actually knew it was HIV back in Dec of '08 when I 0-Converted but that she had been in denial and that when I asked her into my room to talk to her, she knew where it was going to.  I cannot express the amount of relief I feel that she now knows.  She reassured me that we will go through this together and she is here to support me every step of the way.  I couldn't have been blessed any more!!!!!!!!

Equal???

Based on the picture posted.... Does it? No, it does not make us equal.As you can probably tell by now, the pictures I choose to go along with my entry are strongly related and go hand in hand. Some may bring an emotional insight or it's just something that I strongly identify to the blog entry even if it's not obvious. So on to the picture. Let me start by saying how much I love that Wonder Woman's image was used for this Ad Campaign! What if Wonder Woman had HIV/AIDS. How many of us would be relieved to have her come to our rescue in our time of need. Would we wait for someone else to come along just because of the label that is now attached to her?

The ugly truth about this campaign, that while we try to take the message across that HIV/AIDS makes us all equal, the reality today is that it only makes you equal when comparing yourself to another POZ person. That's it. No equality in that. Separate but equal is the truth. I do not intend to come across as pessimistic. Yes, AIDS is just a label, but when all of a sudden you find that label attached to you, it is a completely different thing and not longer "just a label". It's the label on that shirt that you love but the tag is so damn uncomfortable!!! Good news about owning a shirt like that is that you can rip the label off. I can't rip mine off. I have to learn to just see it as a label, and while I can't physically rip it off, I can learn how to mentally rip it off.

So I went to the dentist today. I wanted to make sure that my oral health is good! You know, growing up not visiting Dr. office, Dentist office, any medical office for that matter, it had been about 10 years since my last visit. I knew it would not be good but my teeth are well kept, I do not have a jacked up grill!! :) Anyways, in order for me to receive care, my Dr. had to provide the office with a letter of diagnosis. I asked the receptionist for a copy since it was faxed, I did not know what it said, and wanted one for my records in case I needed it down the road. Once I read it, it was the biggest "pull to reality" I have ever gotten.

The letter is as follow. (The names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Ante Bellum has just started his medical care at Owen Clinic, UCSD Medical Center. Mr. Bellum has been diagnosed with Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS). He signed up for Ryan White coverage yesterday. (see attached)

Was there really a need for the acronym?! It couldn't be any clearer!! When I received the T-cell count of 172 with the percentage ratio at %12 I knew it placed me on that diagnosis. It's one thing to know it yourself, and another to see it written down on a piece of paper. So, ok, Dentist.... they can't do any procedures until my T-cell count goes above 200. So I had started on Bactrim but broke out into a rash/hives - shoulders and chest. So that was so much for that.

I've started on Mepron. I call it the Yellow Pepto Bismol! That's exactly what it is like!!! It smells good, but doesn't taste that great. Maybe if I recite the "Vita-Meat-Vega-Min" monologue from I Love Lucy it will actually "Taste Just Like Candy" For anyone reading, know of the costs of HIV meds! Be aware of what a drastic diff it makes when HIV funds get cut!! You may not pay attn to it until it hits home , please allow me to be "home" for you. Keep HIV budget cuts in mind, if you can do something about it and make a difference DO IT!!! The bottle of Mepron, a 30 day supply which I actually need 90 days (most that go on antibiotic for O.I's need a 90 day supply) is $1,551.98.

So this will conclude my entry for tonight. Thanks to the wonderful online world of blogspot for allowing me to have come across this site to vent and share my experience!


Antebellum

CD4 and Viral Load Results

I went to the clinic today to pick up lab results. It did not start off good! Found a $40.oo ticket on my windshield. No Parking Tue-Thur 3 AM - 6 AM. It took me a while to get over it and accept it. No other car had a ticket!!! I doubt I was the only car on the street at that time! Ok, I said I was over it so no more talking, I paid it, it's resolved.

So today I received my numbers and my CD4 = 172 and Viral Load = 30,015. Viral Load is below average, so that's good. CD4 was def. something I was not expecting. I thought it would be well over 500. According to the Doc, people infected with HIV and not on antiretrovirals loose about 50 CD4/T-cells a year. He did say the viral load was well below average. Average with newly diagnosis is around 60,000 or above he stated.

In last night's blog I mentioned how some people don't have a choice as to whether to go on medication or not. I did state that I wanted to get on medications right away, so the decision had essentially been made, yet I received the numbers and I felt like it was no longer my decision but a decision determined by the low counts of CD4. So I have started on Bactrim, an antibiotic since the CD4 is below 200, the antibiotic will help to prevent any O.I's (Opportunistic Infections) and in 2 weeks or so I will find out what medications I will be taking. So short blog because I really don't feel like I have much to say tonight....

Nip "IT" in the butt...

So tomorrow is the day I receive my CD4 / Viral Load counts. It will be a long day at the clinic, I know that much. I have 3 appointments, the first appt I had 2 weeks ago, which was only 2 had me in there for about 4 hours!!! Only to find out I had to go in the next day as well, and the day after that!!! I know, I complain. It does get exhausting though. I keep reminding myself that it's only due to the new diagnosis and trying to get everything mapped out. I have 3 appts tomorrow, one the next day, and one the day after, but caught a break and my Friday appt got cancelled!!!!! How nice!!! :)

So I still have weird dreams regarding this whole "IT" thing. Last night's dream consisted of my brother. We've never had a good relationship. In one of my worst moments, I put my hands around his neck after he called me a piece of shit! WOW Not my proudest moment BUT I have apologized. Well, since I found out I was positive, I've had a talk with him, to let him know AND our relationship as def improved. One thing about these news is that I've definitely have changed in a good way. I can't allow myself to go nuts about this, I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I CAN ONLY HELP IT AND TRY TO KEEP ON TOP OF IT. So back to the dream. I dreamed that I was no longer positive. PFFTTT, nice dream! Anyways, back to the dream! I was no longer positive and my brother was so upset!!! He had somehow managed to (I believe through witchcraft, Latin culture! lol ) get me to test positive because it was his plan in order for me to change and be nice to him! What a crazy dream!!

I have dreams about having big arguments with my mother concerning this. As much as I would like to try and believe that she would understand, I don't think she would. So I deal with the guilt and feelings of pressure to tell her. Not pressured by anyone other than myself! I also think about when she does find out, if I ever tell her, that she most likely will be upset, not at the fact that I have "IT" but at the fact that I have known and have been living with it and I didn't feel like I could trust her. I had this one dream where people were badmouthing me and she decided not to stick up for me! I was so mad, I even woke up mad!!!

So the plan tomorrow is to get the numbers and see where I stand. I honestly have no idea what range they will be in since I know I probably have been positive for a year. I'm sure I mentioned in my first blog that I think I 0-converted back in December of 2008. Had the worse "flu" I ever had, diarrhea, sore throat, weight loss, appetite loss. I had stopped taking Zoloft for depression, I felt like my body was begging me to stop taking that, today I thought that maybe, the virus was playing on trick on me and tricked my body into not wanting the anti depressants so "it" could take over my body. What a crazy thought uhh?? Let me tell you, crazier ideas go through my head. E.g , Why can't they put my body through hemodialysis and take "IT" away, then reintroduce the blood back to my body? So simple lol .My plan right now is to go on antiretrovirals as soon as possible. My analogy is this. When you come down with a flu; do you wait until you are sick as a dog and can't get out of bed to start taking care of yourself? Or do you try and nip it in the butt? I do have to learn about the possible side effects though. Yet, it makes no sense to wait until my CD4 count drops to the lowest level possible where the CDC determines it's time to start on meds. After all, it is a personal choice, though some people don't get to have that choice due to low numbers. We will find out tomorrow and you can count on reading about it.

All Right.......Good Night,

Antebellum