Shame?

So it's been a few days since I've visited my own space to free some words and thoughts.  I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off, not feeling like it or just gotten distracted.  What's new?  Well since I've told my mother, what's new is that I've started my trip with medications.  So I was given the most common cocktail.  Norvir, Reyataz and Truvada.  I started taking them on 2.16.10

The picture that goes along with this entry.  There is a certain feeling of Shame that I have been experiencing that goes along with taking the medication.  Best way to explain it.  Ever seen Marley and Me???  Great movie!!!  Remember when Marley knows he is about to die and he goes out on his own, away from his family to die alone?  I feel like I do not want anyone to see me taking the meds.

Now, by no means do I think I'm dying of HIV/AIDS.  Glass Half Full or Half Empty?  Half Empty, we are all closer to death each day we wake up.  Pessimistic?  No :)  I still do my best to enjoy life and nowadays more than prior to 12.29.09...  Aggghhh, I feel like I want to delete this paragraph.  It is somewhat of a shitty way to look at life!!!  Each day you wake up, you are closer to death?  I need to change this pattern of thought into Each Day I Wake Up Is a Blessing that I've Been Granted....  I like that better....

Here are some of the words inside my head when it comes to taking the medication.

1. Look at you now.
2. Look at what you have done to yourself.
3. How did you allow yourself to end up here.
4. This is it, you can't stop taking them ever.
5. This is real.

So there is definitely some adjustment that needs to be done in my thoughts.  I didn't think I would have had any troubling thoughts about medication since I've been on antidepressants for 2 years.  The difference is that I know that the possibility that one day I may not need the antidepressants.  The Antiretrovirals?  No such possibility.  Only if they find a cure I guess.... So I've taken the time to make the entry that I've been avoiding..... Good Night