Well, here I am on 01.22.10 taking on this blogging experience. For the record, I would like to state that this blog is for my own sake. If people read it and take something from it, great! If no one reads it, great! It's a way for me to sort out the clouds in my head, and the thoughts that need to be either written through ink or through key strokes on my lap top.
The reason for my starting this blog arises from December 29th ,2009. It changed things in drastic ways, though I've managed to try and keep a positive out look on it. 12.29.09 is the day I found out I'm HIV Positive...... sigh.... I've said it. Though I've said it a few times here and there, well let me rephrase that, more so than said it, I've typed it, so typing it here is no different, yet it takes on a stronger sense of reality.
It's definitely a process dealing with this. Along the way I've found out there is no right or wrong way to deal with the news. While some people may feel devastated and dwell in the bad news, I chose to not be swallowed by these news. Sad? Yes. It was definitely sad, no matter how prepared I thought I was for the results, I still felt like part of me had died when I saw the look on the person giving me the results. As much as they deal with giving out these news to people that test positive, it was a bit surprising how she wasn't already desensitized to having to tell someone their test came back positive. To be honest, that did not help me.
I did cry in devastation, and I would laugh hysterically at the irony that was now very clear. But since the day I was given those news, I have not been able to cry. I have began to start feeling angry, at myself and perhaps other positive people that are able to cry and grieve. I want that, I want to mourn the passing of the Negative self and start taking care of this new Positive Self.
Through out my blogging I will be typing not just about HIV but about other things. I dont want HIV to define who I am, though at the moment, HIV is all I can think about. I have a problem with it being labeled as POZ... Why can't it be POS. Everything has to be labeled, as soon as a label is attached to something or someone, we think we automatically know everything there is to know about such subject.
Anyways, for now this is my introduction to the world of blogging, with this, I sign out.
Ante
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Awesome -- I am sure that this will help you rationalize things in your head by creating this new world to vent.
ReplyDeleteI will check in on ya every so often.