So tomorrow is the day I receive my CD4 / Viral Load counts. It will be a long day at the clinic, I know that much. I have 3 appointments, the first appt I had 2 weeks ago, which was only 2 had me in there for about 4 hours!!! Only to find out I had to go in the next day as well, and the day after that!!! I know, I complain. It does get exhausting though. I keep reminding myself that it's only due to the new diagnosis and trying to get everything mapped out. I have 3 appts tomorrow, one the next day, and one the day after, but caught a break and my Friday appt got cancelled!!!!! How nice!!! :)
So I still have weird dreams regarding this whole "IT" thing. Last night's dream consisted of my brother. We've never had a good relationship. In one of my worst moments, I put my hands around his neck after he called me a piece of shit! WOW Not my proudest moment BUT I have apologized. Well, since I found out I was positive, I've had a talk with him, to let him know AND our relationship as def improved. One thing about these news is that I've definitely have changed in a good way. I can't allow myself to go nuts about this, I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I CAN ONLY HELP IT AND TRY TO KEEP ON TOP OF IT. So back to the dream. I dreamed that I was no longer positive. PFFTTT, nice dream! Anyways, back to the dream! I was no longer positive and my brother was so upset!!! He had somehow managed to (I believe through witchcraft, Latin culture! lol ) get me to test positive because it was his plan in order for me to change and be nice to him! What a crazy dream!!
I have dreams about having big arguments with my mother concerning this. As much as I would like to try and believe that she would understand, I don't think she would. So I deal with the guilt and feelings of pressure to tell her. Not pressured by anyone other than myself! I also think about when she does find out, if I ever tell her, that she most likely will be upset, not at the fact that I have "IT" but at the fact that I have known and have been living with it and I didn't feel like I could trust her. I had this one dream where people were badmouthing me and she decided not to stick up for me! I was so mad, I even woke up mad!!!
So the plan tomorrow is to get the numbers and see where I stand. I honestly have no idea what range they will be in since I know I probably have been positive for a year. I'm sure I mentioned in my first blog that I think I 0-converted back in December of 2008. Had the worse "flu" I ever had, diarrhea, sore throat, weight loss, appetite loss. I had stopped taking Zoloft for depression, I felt like my body was begging me to stop taking that, today I thought that maybe, the virus was playing on trick on me and tricked my body into not wanting the anti depressants so "it" could take over my body. What a crazy thought uhh?? Let me tell you, crazier ideas go through my head. E.g , Why can't they put my body through hemodialysis and take "IT" away, then reintroduce the blood back to my body? So simple lol .My plan right now is to go on antiretrovirals as soon as possible. My analogy is this. When you come down with a flu; do you wait until you are sick as a dog and can't get out of bed to start taking care of yourself? Or do you try and nip it in the butt? I do have to learn about the possible side effects though. Yet, it makes no sense to wait until my CD4 count drops to the lowest level possible where the CDC determines it's time to start on meds. After all, it is a personal choice, though some people don't get to have that choice due to low numbers. We will find out tomorrow and you can count on reading about it.
All Right.......Good Night,
Antebellum
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